I am basically in a state of boredom and waiting to hear some good news that is going to change my life some way, so it’s kind of a big deal. Plus i am sick so i am incapable of doing anything even vaguely productive today. To lessen my tension and to distract me from it, i took the time to be useful even for half a day only. Take a peak into my bag and see what are the things i carry around almost everyday. I tried to refine my list so as not to clutter the photo and this is it. This is a clustery of goodness!

From Left to Right: Band-aid (it always saves my day every time i get myself injured geez how lame of me), iTouch (it serves as my organizer as well because i am too lazy to carry around all the time my enormous planner which i haven’t used by the way for half a year because i believe i am that spontaneous haha), Nokia e63 Phone (needless to say this device has brought catastrophe to my life for a couple of times already and the middle button is still missing), Blistex Lip Tone (i am not following the L to R instructions am i?), Lip balm (sometimes i use Chapstick, Burt’s Bees or anything i find tasty), Goody ponytails (that has a life of its own because they keep on being misplaced), Accessorize wallet (that i fill with movie passes, concert tickets, receipts, foreign dollars, junk and loyalty cards because i am loyal hahaha oh boy), Scarf (i usually borrow my sister’s but i barely use it because this is a tropical country people), Toothbrush (with toothpaste of course and i love the after feeling of brushing my teeth because i can confidently blow everyone’s faces with my fresh breath), Canon 550D DSLR (i actually don’t bring this one along because, not only it is heavy but, i am considered careless sometimes by my dad), Brown wide-framed glasses (because my eyes will probably never see 20/20), Mini usb (which i lost already so it’s not in my bag anymore and why the hell did i put it here in the list oh too late), Elizabeth Arden sponge-on cream make up (i advise you to use this only if you want to look dead in photos which happened to me so i suggest to just use a BB cream instead and a light finishing powder dust)

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We spent our days in attempts of comfort and i’ve been breathing heavily in open air every time i remember the rush of your cold skin against mine. The moonlight drenched our desperate breathes as the rifts in my heart were temporarily sealed with this unfamiliar feeling. It was unusual when you pressed me towards your chest as you brush my tousled locks of hair away from my face so that i could be consumed in the intricate details of your arms. My fragile eyes met yours and i could feel it probing into the depths of my bones and gradually lured me into the feeling of being alive again. Every afterthought and empty sighs lurk between the back of our minds and i’ve got these lost words tucked between my fingers waiting for them to say it at the right time. My head won when i divulged that we can’t be setting out in exchange of deep lies and excuses. I have been waiting for the crisp air to wash away the distinctive scent and concealed secrets in the part of us that i cannot seem to forget. Entangled questions and gentle misses kept me sleepless in the middle of the dark as i gasp for stretches of uncomfortable seconds. All those erratic desires and second chances left my chest feeling tight enough, something that i’ve never felt back in those warm summer nights.

If only i would be versed in what to do without hesitations, complexities nor fear. I don’t want to drown myself in some fresh mistakes but the idea of you enthralls me. My heart is a tangled mess and my mind is a battlefield of emotions and nothing comes ever comes out like you wanted them to. And you will never conceive that surging into this is completely wrong forefront. But i have this uncanny affection towards you that i can’t find the perfect phrases to explain it. I try to write but no words ever come close to what i want to say. I try to speak but no sound escapes from my red chapped lips that run dry. I am quivering under the weight of the things i am afraid of and the choices that evades me. It’s like a colossal pendulum that can’t seem to freeze or an amaranthine tug-of-war between what i want and what the world wants for me. Left to right. Yes or no. I have to make haste slowly. What an oxymoron, like my ambivalent thoughts and emotions for you. And maybe no matter how careful i am, someone sooner or later will suffer the repercussion. I am just waiting for the right time to figure everything out.

Welcome to my room! Okay not literally welcome. Hahaha! It has been my longtime goal to paint my walls and furniture but since i cannot do that just yet, i have decided to give my room a little makeover again after cleaning the clutter. My wall has been massacred for a couple of years already from nonstop putting up and taking down of photos and paintings of my own. My sister’s room is messy but way way back she filled hers with the same collage but in a heart shape form. It was so pretty and neat. The only thing neat in her room haha.

The first thing you see when you enter my room is a big brown dresser with side mirror and my closet is filled with color-coded stack of clothes and things like perfumes, jewelry, makeup, sunnies, scrunchies and mostly junk. In the middle of my room is my soft peach bed where i usually cry (hahaha kidding!). I took most of these shots in the DIY photo mural below and it is carefully and artfully placed beside my bed. Now it’s like having a Pinterest of ideas and things i love in real life that i could look at whenever i am bored or sad!

And i’ve decided to change also the photo in the frame because i love my awkward face so much (haha i am sarcastic). While doing so, i got myself cut by the edge of the glass and it was freakishly painful. Clumsy me. Forever. The rightmost photo below was placed beside my window. The other two was placed beside my desk to remind me of life’s little instructions.

And finally i’ve made use of my sister’s pot gift that will hold pictures and even pin the egg from your kitchen. Okay it’s not funny at all. My creative area is the wooden desk beside my bed. I have kept there piles of letters i made and got, random notes from my thoughts and feelings, musings like concert tickets and movie passes, draft sketches and poetries, collection of my books and different photos as years pass by. Paperback notebooks and all sorts of organizers from the different years of my life fill my desk. Everything is worth keeping.

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As i sit here with my Mac plugged in and with iTunes playing on the background, i have realized how Steve Jobs affected and actually made a difference in this world. I could still remember buying my very first gadget, iTouch, with my own hard-earned money. One could measure success by how you lived well and how you were able to influence and touch the lives of people around you. And i bet he is the perfect fit of that and the saying ‘living life as if it’s your last’.

Jobs — along with Steve Wozniak and Ronald Wayne — founded and created Apple in 1976. He continued to invent and innovate such things that would change the way we create and interpret information, the way we communicate and the way we live. He was a visionary, a dreamer, a creator and an inventor. Sadly, he announced publicly his illness of pancreatic cancer last 2004. It was only a little over a month ago when he stepped down as Apple’s CEO. And day before yesterday, Tim Cook, who took his place, unveiled the new iPhone 4s. And just earlier yesterday, the brilliant mind behind all those Apple products and softwares that changed the lives of millions, passed away. There’s a very good chance that what you’re reading or doing on a computer, tablet, or smartphone was either invented or inspired by Jobs. His legacy will live on every iPod (2001), iPhone (2007), iPad (2010) and Mac (1984). He made furthering and advancement in technology his passion. (Photo not mine)

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It’s almost midnight and everything feels like it’s moving so fast. All the details i find are caught between breathes and goodbyes. I was afraid of the places i’ll become trapped and lose myself again wherever the waves will carry me. I tried to be less impetuous and built walls from warnings and bad decisions. The stars are signaling me to stay or go but i could never make out which one i was supposed to follow. It’s so hard to clutter a series of ambivalent thoughts and emotions for you. I always knew what to say but this time, stretches of skin and long paragraphs of honesty are the only one’s i’ve got. I guess i wasn’t expecting a console in the movement of the lips and fingers consumed by the dark, just to form some kind of sense. Vulnerability just gets translated to reckless actions and decisions of two old acquaintances trying hard not to be more than that. But the whisper of our souls tell us otherwise. There is something disconcerting about the new shift in desire, unable to resist the lingering involvement. Maybe I am already half in love with you or maybe it’s just the idea of it that kept me awake in the middle of the night.

I used to wake up almost every intoxicated night curled upward in your warm chest and felt against your skin the attempts of comfort. You pieced me back together but i always afflict you with the cradle of the past and polite excuses. Despite all my heavy flaws, failings and lies placed in front of you, you chose to stay and give every flesh of your being. I’ve written down these perfect phrases for you cautiously enough not to hurt you again. But they made me choose and maybe i should cut loose the brief affair. My cheeks are wet again and as i sigh heavily i try to feel your last breath. These things take time and i can only wish i was more sorry.

Written last September 25, 2011.