13 Friday Jul 2012
It was just two years ago, when it was laid out that i would have to study and work in Australia. It was not at the drop of a hat and i was hesitant about the plan. I would have to leave my family, my friends and my whole life here. I would have to live in another country and go back to square one. But i told my dad that i would like to finish my college here in the Philippines (and yes this was prolly one of the best decisions i’ve ever made). Knowing that i would be leaving soon, i had a point-and-shoot camera that was glued to my hands and a ‘Carpe Diem’ epiphany tucked under the sleeves of my shirt.
Last year, after receiving my Bachelor’s Degree, i tried again with the Australian application but i fell short. The sponsorship was held over and i had to compel with the reality of looking for my first day-job that the school never prepared me for. Trust me, job hunting was a life-altering experience that sent me down the spiral of self-deprecation and frustration. After five months of agonizing battle with myself and with the world, i got my so-called dream job that later turned to be a Devil Wears Prada-esque in less than half a year. I just had to cut the rope because i don’t want to settle with something i am not irrevocably in-love with. I am slowly carving out the life that i want for myself and not the path set for me. Daunting but liberating. I tried for the third time, just when i swallowed and braved the idea of studying and living abroad, i failed to make it to the July semester. It still sucks when things don’t go the way you expected them to be but there’s a reason why this is all happening. And even though every fiber in me falls away, these adversities and lessons in life will make me even more ready when the right time comes for another shot somewhere down under. But i think it was a blessing in disguise knowing that i’ll be leaving anytime soon, i lived life to the fullest everyday. What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?
Fast forward to today, i am still alive (with my awkward annoying smile above haha)! I’m enjoying far too many hours staving off adulthood by eating chocolates while staying up late reading the perfect nook or wasting my time in the world wide web. Hey, I am still in my early twenties. I balk at the thought that I may not know where i am heading but i am not stuck (because they say twenty somethings are constantly moving – from cities to jobs to relationships). I have discovered what hurts me, what makes me feel good and some painful truths in Thought Catalog. Disappointment and demeaning difficulties also pile on top of the other. Curveballs that shake me to the very core. I still fret over little things like being constantly unraveled by parents, friends, team, career, ignored messages and feelings of inadequacy. There’s still a palpable doubt in all of my actions and emotions. We all come to a phase where we want to be famous or recognized for who we are or the things we do but now i’m just trying to make a stain, a difference. We all want to create a name for ourselves or we want to find ourselves. We all wanted to make an impact or an influence to other people one way or another. I want to create something that would last for a lifetime like a well-crafted prose or a beautiful painting, a good deed or an experience.
“We all die. The goal isn’t to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.” – Chuck Palahniuk
They say nothing good happens after two in the morning but it’s those hours when i ask myself my real purpose, true passion and maybe the right man (i’ll pretend that Superman does exist). But that’s why i’m here for, right? To feel and see as much as i can, to take advantage of not being tied down to anything and anyone and to go balls to the wall with everything that i do. We are not without choices.
When was the last time you did something for the first time? YOLO (You Only Live Once), as they say. Well aside from the apparent reason that we don’t have nine lives, this notion means we have to make the most out of everything. But this isn’t an escape or an excuse to get preggers, get hellacious hangovers every night or make the wrong choices. Everything has its consequences because you are not super mario who always has chances or extra lives to go back to start. Sometimes i spend my time wanting to be somewhere else other than where i am but why am i in a hurry to live in some boring (no offense) grown up adult life (well a baby and a real lasting husband sound lovely)? When i get there i might be stuck for a long time and there’s no going back. I’m going to miss those lame ass epic parties with vodka and my best buds, those singing and dancing as if no one’s watching, those awkward and amazing kisses, those laughters & tears, those times i spent putting on makeup and killing my hair, those times of dressing up or being an overnight hipster (or channeling bohemian spirit like my photos here hahaha – just so you won’t wonder why are my pictures included in this post), those times i spent getting down and dirty because of sports, those endless nights of reading painting and writing, those those times when i feel really infinite and alive.
We are the twenty somethings. The generation of talking about our passionate love for things and the current struggle as 20-somethings. The time for experimenting and figuring things out (and even documenting them through Facebook, Twitter and Instagram). The time for starting a name for ourself or making a difference to the world. They say, twenty something’s going to leave us eventually and all what’s left are pictures and bruises from your hot mess decade so better live as if you’re going to die tomorrow (with full responsibility of course). Say (or better yet show) how much you love a person or take a leap of faith. Go for some adrenaline-rushed adventures or just do things that makes you really happy (for you’ll be criticized anyway, says Roosevelt). Regret nothing, learn from your mistakes and fear less just like how i was when i try to be when i feel that i am leaving the country before long. For now, i am trying to live my life one step at a time without any job or assurance that i’ll pass that Australian application. For now, i’m going to enjoy my twenty somethings without too much angst from myself (as if i didn’t get hurt or fail) or worry for the future. For now, i’m going to try to make a mark and someday, hopefully i’ll look back and see how far i’ve become.