People would call me crazy or stupid for leaving a glamorous job at a magazine company. A job where you meet celebrities and important people in the country. A job where you attend parties and events almost everyday of the week. A job where you are part of the behind-the-scenes in photo shoots and discover new things. A job where you have that instant fame pass to success or popularity.

I looked happy, they said. In the photos i do seem happy and living my “dream job” but looking happy is actually different from being really happy. Only my family and closest friends know how my 9-6 daily grind was like. How i was treated and how i always feel like shit. I wasn’t raised by my parents and was put into a good school to feel or to be treated that way. But I’ve had my own share of faux pas and shortcomings. At least i admit it and i make up for it. I would always kill myself for trying. I just couldn’t understand why my resignation letter was edited or proofread. But i’m not complaining because i have learned a lot. Thank you Lord for the experience.

Still, working sucked the life out of me and i was frustrated for months. I became less positive and more of a pessimist. I became impatient and irritable. I became forgetful and panicky. I became too conscious with how i look and what i wear. I act out of fear from judgment or failure. I had few time for my family and friends. I got emotionally and physically tired from everything. I am existing and surviving but not living. I learned a lot of things and i learned it the hard way.

I didn’t quit just because the job expects and demands too much from me. I didn’t quit just because everyday was daunting with impossible (or let’s just say hard) and endless tasks. I didn’t quit just because i burn out myself from exhaustion in commuting and traveling everyday from south to north and back and forth. I didn’t quit just because i barely save anything from my salary. I didn’t quit just because i couldn’t stand ******* or deal with two-faced people. I didn’t quit just because every morning i’d go thinking that i’ll be like this forever. I didn’t quit just because every night i always breakdown or cry when it’s too much already. I didn’t quit just because i was labeled too nice or accused with something i didn’t do or say. I didn’t quit just because i was told that i wasn’t good enough.

I have decided to quit because i was not happy anymore and there is no career growth with this job. I quit because it wasn’t worth it anymore.

So i have decided to cut the rope and make a life-changing decision. It felt liberating! This is a milestone for me. I choose to be happier in a healthy environment that doesn’t sting and where my purpose is not taken advantage of and has great importance. There were friends whom i found and wanna keep forever. Lea (my commute and rant buddy and i wouldn’t survive my job without her), La (the nicest person to me because she supported me in everything that i do) and Ning & ate Andi (who both saw the best in me even at worst times because they understood the shoes that i’ve been filling in). Even the drivers, kuyas, security guards, receptionist and other employees who weren’t on top but still helped me get through the day. Plus my co-editorial coordinators who (sometimes) went through hell as well, Elai, Aisne and Clarisse. Thank you so much and of course thank you to my loving family and real friends for keeping me sane. I’m letting go now but i’m not giving up with life. I believe that this is one of the biggest and decisions i have ever made for myself. I’m looking forward to another chapter in my life and i’m still on a pursuit to be happy. I’ll follow my heart and chase after my dreams of becoming a writer.

People kept messaging me how much they are happy for me now that i’m free. And my sister told me “Ate, you don’t know how much i’m proud of you. You took the risk. An awesome awesome risk. People would normally have the i-dont-have-a-choice-or-i-need-this-job-for-financial-security’ excuse. But you quit your job without any fallback. You have a brave soul.” And yes it’s true, what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.

Last night, i watched “The Devil Wears Prada” again and it felt so familiar and real! “A lot of girls would kill for that job, thing is i’m not one of them.” kept playing in my head. Maybe because after all, i’m like Andrea. A nice and simple girl who tried to survive in a high-pressured overwhelmingly overly-demanding toxicated stressful job. I’m not regretting my choice. What I’ve come to realize is that it’s far riskier to look back on your life 20 or 30 or 40 years from now and wish you’d done it differently.