I am not a superwoman but i am real
07 Monday Nov 2011
Warning, this is not a self-loathing post. I do love myself but I am not that narcissistic as you can think i am. You see i just filled this post with my big face and messy hair hahaha. Well, I just want to write this for possible self-realization that i know i am not good enough but i am still real. If you want to know me more, go ahead, read and find out how bloody awesome i am (i am sarcastic). If you already know me inside out, then please don’t read. Haha! I am writing this (in an honest way) not because i am a superhero or i am a rockstar, but because i am real human being.
I don’t have the perfect face or body but i still believe i am beautiful inside because i am happy with what i have and i am different in all ways possible. I am a metal mouth and i have large pair of glasses. I can be very stubborn and crazy kind of weird. I am socially awkward and random. I am a klutz in every way you can think of. I usually laugh at my own lame and silly jokes. But i stay true. I prefer substance over style. I don’t want to be or to look like everyone else.
I don’t have a bright mind like Einstein or a great one like Picasso but i try to do a lot of things and live my life to the fullest. I follow my heart and do what makes me happy. I am equipped with values and principles i know and have learned from bad decisions and circumstances. I don’t have thoughts like a powerful leader but i try to inspire others in all ways that i can. I always try and try until i get things right or until i am happy.
I’ve got scars from falling literally and figuratively speaking but i am grateful for it because i am still alive. All those embarrassment and injury i have endured weren’t funny at all. I took risks, got hurt, made mistakes, missed chances, and failed a lot but i’ll never stop trying because i learned most from these. I am humbled (and sometimes humiliated) by the mistakes i did. But I always try to have the courage to stand up again and the strength to carry on. I still hope in times of adversity. I don’t dwell on pain or failure. I don’t sulk on my own misery. I am flawed but there’s something in me that always wants to be a better person.
I don’t have a wealthy family but we make the most out of what we have and we love each other so much. I don’t have a lot of friends but i’ve got a few who accept me and understand me in whatever i do. I am grateful for them not leaving me no matter what. I don’t live to please others and i don’t compromise myself to fit into a mold of other people’s expectations and demands. I don’t depend my happiness on someone else because no one and nothing can stop me from being happy.
I landed on my dream job in a magazine company but i don’t care if i have to travel for about 160 kilometers and walk for 2.70 km & 259 meters everyday. It could possibly be an exhausting career but it doesn’t stop me from doing what i want (sometimes it’s a lot and i always find it hard to focus). I have passion and vision in everything i do. I am consistently hungry for something new. I am creative. I am patient and i don’t give up easily especially with my dreams. Tomorrow is my first day of work!
I got rejected and left behind, but i am compassionate enough to forgive easily because i try to accept and understand even if my heart and trust were broken. I sometimes say sorry even if it is not my fault. I don’t hold grudges as well. I never retaliate. I gave chances but i also admit my wrongdoings. At some point i have to let go for the right reasons as well. I try not to fear anymore because of uncertainty, of change, of pain, of failure, of rejection, of loving again, of the future, and of death. I try to be resilient in every curveball thrown at me. I never stop believing in all the good around me.
I don’t usually say the right words at the right time (sometimes i don’t say them at all out of fear or lack of courage). Still i find ways to say them through handwritten letters or messages because i believe that if everything i do and everything i say are real and heartfelt, then i have nothing to regret in life. I mean everything i say and do what i think and know is right. In the end there will be no what if’s and what-could-have-beens. Only lessons learned and fulfilled life.
It’s been a tough year for me but i am positive enough to seize every remaining days and I try to always have an open mind and understanding heart. Life doesn’t stop when my heart is broken, when people leave, when dreams crash and when everything else fails. I struggle to balance every area in my life, screwed things up before or even hurt people along the way but i realized it’s how you rise above the waves. I will always try to stand up with dignity and grace.
I have decided to move on without hatred or regrets rather with forgiveness and optimism. I don’t seek for pity or praise. I won’t live in pain or fear alone. I’ll try to be more assertive and choose what is good for myself too, rather than other people’s demands or expectations. This is my second life and i’m gonna live like it’s my last, as always. I’ve gone through a lot but i know there are so much more to learn about life and love. I am stronger now and hopefully wiser. Maybe i am not worthless after all and i have a purpose in this planet. Everything and everyone helped me learn and grow into a woman of substance and character. I will be forever optimistic and passionate. I will always live fully and love deeply.
Photos from Bianca Magtoto, Daniel Anore and Neo Rivera
Post processing by Cat Trivino and myself