I’m on a pursuit in finding out who i really want to be and beyond doubt something that makes me happy. I’m the kind of person who tries to do a lot of things. When i say a lot, i mean you-cant-count-it-kind-of-thing. I’m a crackerjack of none but i am passionately thirsty for creativity that runs through my veins. I’m consistently hungry for something new.
I tried to write a script before but my head was full of characters and vast plot that i wasn’t able to manage my ideas properly that time. I also tried dancing way way back but i found myself funny doing it, yes i know i am a socially awkward person. Then, I tried to play the drums last year because i thought it would be neat to do that but i ended up making an ass out of myself. Then i switched to guitar, i had a hard time strumming at first but i managed to play a few songs but my relationship with music is not as strong as i have with art. Of course, i tried singing while playing the strings but ha! my voice has been horrible and will always be. And for the love of food, i tried cooking and baking and hooray i can say that i was crowned with happiness that i received mainly from mom, dad, my sister and some few close friends. I even tried playing football and baseball but it was a failure. I tried playing Ultimate Frisbee but i never got better in that sport. I tried creating clothing lines, drawing figures and painting landscapes because i love to, no reason for that. I tried photography as well because i delight in snapshots that tell a story without words being said. And at last, i haven’t failed in that last two breadth. I am a few steps away from my dream of becoming i-really-dont-know-what.
And now what’s left? I’ve developed a fascination for anything that revolves around art and literature. I have always been. Right now i‘ve just been putting my heart into writing in ink or with technology. I try to pour my soul more into my paper-back journals. I write my dreams and my fears, my thoughts and my feelings. Writing a lot helps me uncover myself aside from inspiring a few people who are consistently reading my entries on tumblr (thank you haha). I write to taste and to feel. I write to forget and to remember. I write to endure and to carry on. It helps me to express myself and feel better afterwards hoping that maybe someone on the other side of the planet feels the way that i do and understands what i’ve been going through. I will write and write until i feel euphoric and infinite. But what enchants me most about writing is the way a thought or an emotion is being wrapped around a tangible form. The way my mind unravels every heartache and failure i had in carefully crafted paragraphs. The way pieces of my past unfold every truth and end. The way it will relive every moment even after death. And i hope that through writing, i will eventually know what i want to be.
My dream of becoming a writer, a photographer, a pastry chef, a fashion designer (okay i can’t even manage to have a single decent fierce photo haha maybe i’ll just sketch models and outfits), an interior designer (goodluck to me because i never took anything in liberal arts aside from my course management), a painter (i don’t want to die like Picasso) and a lot-of-things-not-mentioned has not ended yet. Who knows maybe someday i can be a singer with my horrendous voice (so i can put the songs i write into good use)? I just figured out that whatever i am trying to do, the effect of it and the influence it causes with the people around me are the most worthwhile. That’s what we are here for right? we don’t stop riding a bike because we fell on the first try. We don’t stop learning just because we failed on the test. And more importantly, we don’t stop loving because we got our hearts and trusts broken for a few times. We have to try until we get it right. Yeah, i never get tired from trying. Failure is not a measurement of my character rather a sense of substance. I always choose to get back up and carry on. I never dwell on pain or downfall. I took chances. I failed. I took risks. I got hurt. But at least i say what i want to say and do what i love to do. And in the end i will not be crippled with regrets. I believe that with enough passion and strength, i will reach my i-really-dont-know-what-because-they-are-so-plenty dream. And inch by inch, i am getting closer there and slowly becoming who i am meant to be.